What’s Next?
At this juncture in my life, I begin to reflect on what really matters to me, and how those thoughts will guide me in the coming weeks.
Magnus
If you’ve read my last post, and are paying attention to the dates, you might be wondering about my son’s status.
Good news: he is doing very well. He is still in the NICU, but he is entirely off oxygen/supplemental gas. In other words, breathing on his own. His body is learning how to regulate that, though. Twice in the last 48 hours he experienced what the staff called “Brady desats”. They were not severe, and he recovered quickly from both. After that, not long before I left tonight, I watched him get close to another one, but recover before his oxygen saturation dropped too low.
He also should have had his only remaining umbilical catheter removed this evening after I left the hospital. Those are awesome indicators that the staff are very happy with his progress. It’s still impossible to say how long he’ll have to remain – he has to demonstrate several independent capabilities before that can happen – but he’s getting there.
My Head
When you go through something like this, it shifts what you think about every day. For me, that has mostly meant thinking about him (obviously), and thinking about family logistics. What time are we getting up? Who is visiting the hospital when? What do our other kids need tomorrow? Who will provide childcare to them, and when?
I have poured my free moments into re-establishing this blog. A few weeks ago, I noticed unusual traffic from foreign IPs that spooked me. I think it’s unlikely that anything bad had happened to my hosting infrastructure, but I didn’t want to take the chance, and disabling my old blog gave me an opportunity to prioritize changes I wanted to make to it. It became the perfect distraction for me over the last 5 days when I am in my typical sleep-procrastination hours from about 9 - 11 PM.
The cool thing I like about blogging is that, at its core, it is about reflection and I would consider it a form of meditation. The downside is that it makes me think about my feelings, and that can be hard and distressing, but it feels like it is important.
Because of the life and perspective-changing events I’ve been living through these last seven days, I’ve spent more time thinking about what matters to me. Almost losing your kid is something that seems like it should have that effect, to be fair. It is obvious to me that my family is something I’m going to hold much more closely. It has made me long for the brief realizations that I’m living in the moment with them. Tonight, Magnus’s older sister (one-and-a-half) was exhausted after her first day back at daycare and a busy morning playing. I found the opportunity to spend alone time with her right before she needed to go to bed. I had taken her to the living room and asked if she wanted to snuggle in our recliner. She nodded up at me, and with those tired-baby eyes said “Elmo?” – she wanted to cuddle and watch Sesame Street. So we plopped down on the couch and squeezed in tight under a heavy quilt. For a few minutes, she and I sat there quietly watching the TV, her head on my lap and my arms around her in the exact same embrace that has been my go-to technique for soothing Magnus. I had a “this is it” moment then, and my heart can’t wait for the next time I stop and say to myself “There! There’s the meaning behind it all. Close your eyes and take a picture.”
The Job, It Awaits
Unfortunately, I’ve already used one week of my four total weeks of parental leave, two of which are PTO and not employer-sponsored. Unless I somehow make modifications to my planned leave from work, I only have 21 days left, and my son’s not even home yet. It’s going to be very hard to return to writing code for my employer if I feel like I am missing priceless or critical moments with my family, especially after the emotional journey we’ve been on.
Importantly, though, I’ve identified this. As that reality draws nearer, however it may play out, I can do things to minimize that difficulty. I can make the most of today and tomorrow. I can try to goof off less and go to sleep a little bit earlier, so that I can rise earlier. Time is my currency, here, and the best I can do is take advantage of it. I can also spend time thinking about things at work that will energize me upon return. The small things will add up.
I think I should still make time to blog. I am going to try to.